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 In-laws

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Posted on 12-23-22 12:28 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Life was easy and comfortable with just two of us. Then came in-laws as permanent resident.
How to adapt now?
Very stressed about bihana belka ko dal vaat, waiting for restroom, …….Expenses….
Any experiences, suggestions?
Last edited: 23-Dec-22 12:28 PM

 
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Posted on 12-24-22 12:52 PM     [Snapshot: 297]     Reply [Subscribe]
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One word: nightmare … don’t do it. It’s all good for 2-3 months but after that it’s going to be a disaster. Fked up part about our society and in laws is they’ll always favor their son/daughter no matter how good you do to them. They don’t accept and realize that.
Just tell your wife about this
 
Posted on 12-24-22 2:39 PM     [Snapshot: 333]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Why is everyone assuming op is a husband, could be a wife in which case its even worse cuz now u have to be a good buhari etc good bye to ur career cuz u have to watch and kid and ur in laws. No they cant and wont watch ur kid 24 7 and they wont eat quick meals, dal bhat is the most. Plus their travel tickets when they do bqck n forth
Last edited: 24-Dec-22 02:40 PM

 
Posted on 12-24-22 3:00 PM     [Snapshot: 340]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I had similar situation. I told my wife clearly that I can not live with your parents and siblings for long time. Eventually she got it ( even though she got mad in the beginning) and they left. Life is short and do not live miserably. Talk to your wife clearly what you want. Never ever live with extended family, many problems come on the way.
Last edited: 24-Dec-22 03:01 PM

 
Posted on 12-24-22 3:31 PM     [Snapshot: 361]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Life was easy and comfortable with just two of us and one day you got paralyzed down waist….now you cannot fulfill any duties and top medical expenses. What should your wife/husband do?
Put you and your parents in that perspective and do something good. Y’all can workout something together without compromising you precious lifestyle.
Last edited: 24-Dec-22 03:39 PM

 
Posted on 12-24-22 7:13 PM     [Snapshot: 417]     Reply [Subscribe]
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NEPAL has top notch docs and hospitals now a days and easy access to top tier specialist. Also really close to India and its best medical facilities. Now a days you can hire 24 ×7 care at around 40 50 k rs a month. If you r bringing ur parents to het locked up in the house with no social life then either ur a emotional fool who cant make reasonabke decisions or a selfish moron who wants to show rhe world how sucesssful you are over here; u know house, IT etc job ,parents gc etc. But is it to their best intrest and urs , think with cool mind.
 
Posted on 12-25-22 3:09 PM     [Snapshot: 603]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@meraj, I appreciate your information and suggestions, I find it comforting and helpful to give me room to think.

 
Posted on 12-25-22 3:13 PM     [Snapshot: 605]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@guy_tensed already agreed with 'always favor their son/daughter no matter how good you do to them'.
 
Posted on 12-25-22 10:24 PM     [Snapshot: 682]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Guys if it was your own parents coming then you are fine with it because you think that in Nepal girls go and live with guy’s family. But in America you have to think in terms of equality. If you are ok with having your parents come live with you then you have to be open to the notion of your wife’s parents coming to live with you.

Just like you dont want to leave your parents on their own in their old age, your wife also wants to support her parents. It may not always be feasible to put the in laws or your parents in their own place in America when their sole reason for coming would be to be with their children.

Hindu religion is sexist, castist. That is why I don’t like hinduism. We are brought up in a male centric society which gives men more power and importance. We have to grow up to respect each human being for who they are and not keep supporting sexist cultures which is unfair and unjust towards women.


 
Posted on 12-25-22 11:15 PM     [Snapshot: 716]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Neuro lai kasaile 🥇 bata sammanit gardeum na . I know very few Nepali guy who want their parents to live here forever . Tyo pani they do it because of their ongoing health problems and I do understand that ani that’s not striking to
me . Even a married guy doesn’t want their parents to live with them forever here . I don’t have a problem if they buy house in different places, work and live their own . Tara living in jwai’s place for year and year is a shameful move . Who does that ?? Yaaa person who doesn’t have houses back home, who is renting a place does have balls to do this .
Last edited: 25-Dec-22 11:16 PM

 
Posted on 12-26-22 8:27 AM     [Snapshot: 795]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Neurologist, duty is one things feelings are another. You are assuming Lights88 is a guy. Let’s assume for a second she is a woman. As a buhari, in a patriarchal society (as you pointed out), it will be hard for her to live with her in laws forever. Now let’s assume the original poster is a guy. As a jwai it will be a little bit easier for him, same reason, patriarchal society. But in the long run it may still be hard for him even though he may not mention as much or do some kind of drama if it was the former situation.

In the end, everyone suffers. The son or daughter trying to maintain peace or keep everyone happy. The son in law or daughter in law, wondering when this will end. And mostly the parents, feeling unwanted.

So the best thing to do is rotate the parents and in laws, a few months or a year so it is fair to everyone involved.
 
Posted on 12-26-22 10:06 AM     [Snapshot: 826]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Some in laws are not nice at all and have no shame of living with jwais. Some of them are flat out toxic cuz of their mental , emotional issues orbsocial traumas act to destroy you knowlingly or unknowlingy.
My mil wanted us to be seperated so she would get full attention from her daughter. She knew that judges in the US would favor women more with assets and she could be living with her daughter with the alomony.
Now that the child is involved im protecting my fam even harder than before. There is really no need to come to usa and stay at home watching shows on youtube all day when u can do the same in Nepal. Hospitals , docs ,specialist , pathao , 24 7 home care service, online shopping. Whats not there in Nepal now a days. You can come visit every few years and we can vist them too but to permanently living together is a big issue.
If ur inlaws are like say in 60s and they live for another 30 yrs or so arebyou ready to live together for another 30 yrs? Are you reqdy to buy them insurence and provide in home care with ur dollars?

All this problem arises from lack of proper information that once u have a geeen card thenm u get all the benefits from the gobt. They dont get medicaid since u sponsored them, wont get medicare cuz they havent worked 10 yrs in the usa. Dont play with their health by only taking to some free clinics when they would offord and easily access top notch specialist in Nepal.

 
Posted on 12-26-22 12:00 PM     [Snapshot: 871]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@neurologist
I can’t speak about religion, cast and sex.
Please share if you have any experiences while living with your in-laws about healthcare, finance, space in the USA.
 
Posted on 12-26-22 12:09 PM     [Snapshot: 877]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@ehho2
Appreciate your input. I wasn’t aware about healthcare, and other housekeeping stuff. While saying that like you said I can’t imagine living with them for next 30 years no way ☹

 
Posted on 12-26-22 5:19 PM     [Snapshot: 964]     Reply [Subscribe]
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No doubt.
If they are interested in getting PR, encourage them to get PR of a different country.
 
Posted on 12-26-22 11:00 PM     [Snapshot: 1042]     Reply [Subscribe]
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एउटा बच्चाले बडेमानको हात्तीलाई स्यानी दाम्लोले खुट्टामा बाधेर राखेको छ जो एक झड्कामा चुडाएर स्वतन्त्र हुन् सक्छ तै पनि स्वतन्त्र हुन् सक्छ तर पनि त्यो बडेमानको हात्तिको लागि त्यान्द्रो सरहको डोरी मै बाधिएर बसेको छ | माथि २ - ४ जनाले मिठो बिस्लेशण गर्नु भएको छ भने कतिपयले बुझेर पनि बुझन नसकेको होईन हामि जसरि घर , समाज , धर्म , पुरुष -नारि आदि जे देख्दै भोग्दै र त्यसको अंग बनेर आएका छौ, ले हामीलाई जकडेर राखेको छ र हामि त्यो हात्ती भन्दा फरक छैनौ किनकि " we are conditioned that way too".
हात्ती सानो हुँदा बाधेको डोरी चुडाउन सक्दैन थियो र लक्का जवान हुदा पनि तेतरे डोरीले बाधिदा उसलाई आफ्नो बलमा भन्दा उसले भोगेको र बुझेको डोरीको बल सम्झदै फुत्किने प्रयास नै गर्दैन |
हामीले देखेको, भोगेका आचार अनि संस्कारले योनि भन्दा लिङ्ग हुने ठुलो , गृहिणी भन्दा गास बासको ब्यबस्था गर्ने ठुलो हौ भन्ने कुरा भन्दा माथि उठेर सोचन दिदैं र सक्दैनौ तेसैले रगतको नाताले नै प्रसय पाउछ तेसैले होला हाम्रो मा "Adoption" को चलन अतिनै कम छ किनकी आफ्नो विर्य बाट नजमिएका छोरा छोरी - छोरा छोरीनै होइनन |
मखुला ?
 
Posted on 12-27-22 12:15 AM     [Snapshot: 1076]     Reply [Subscribe]
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YO PAAGAL 2005 camry LE BHANEKO KEHI BUJHYA BHAYE MAARIDINU.
 
Posted on 12-28-22 1:48 AM     [Snapshot: 1244]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Max 6 months and then separate. Believe me, it's not going to go well for any of you. It will ultimately ruin the relationship. You may hurt some people by choosing to separate but trust me you will be happy in long run. Your mental health and financial health will thank you. I have seen 0 case of working well with In-laws.
 
Posted on 12-28-22 3:02 AM     [Snapshot: 1270]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 12-28-22 1:01 PM     [Snapshot: 1365]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Happiness is relative to your desires and your willingness to be accommodative to the in-laws and elderly in general. You cannot change your neighbors and parents. Learn to adapt. It doesn't mean you take shit. Just know the balance between providing healthy compromise vs. not making them 100% dependent on you.

There're few ways about it.

1. Outright go nuclear and be left alone. The happiness factor involved in this and the quality of life you live from now till you die is big fat 0. Nada. Nothing. You will realize this 20 years down the road, not now. But again, this is true only for introspective people, which you sound like, since you would not have entertained the idea of applying permanent residency for in-laws to start with if you were otherwise.
2. Leave them in Nepal, but looks like this is too late!
3. Or compromise and have a middle path that benefits you all. I am harping on the last option. You may or may not have lived in a combined/joint-family for too long until your formative years. There's joy in such a family; it just takes different perspective for that to sink in and embed that lifestyle in your daily lives. Granted, its difficult here, but it isn't all that bad either.

Here's what our family has done. Same situation as yours, btw.

Now I am taking a leap of faith here that you both, and your in-laws are reasonable people. If any of you in this equation are unreasonable, none of this works. Good luck in that case.

- Don't make them dependent as best as you can. Enable independence. Let them take the bus themselves. Teach them the ways of the world. If they are educated, it won't be hard.

- You can stock the fridge and the in-laws can self-help to a great extent. Heck, they will likely give you a break if you are smart enough to set it up that way. Go do your office work and tell them you will be late or early, as it happens. If you are late, you are late. They can eat something on their own or wait for you - their choice. But dinner will be late that day, and they will have to suck it up! Call them to say that you will be late, when you are indeed late.

- Don't dump your frustration on them. It is a situation - showing a grumpy and morose face just makes your life a living hell, and their too. Laugh it out but tell the reality of it all. Trust me, things will brighten up when communication is clear. They don't want to be in an unhappy environment either. They will do their part. They will take a hint and help you all along the way.

- Talk it out that with your spouse that you all need to have a plan. If he/she is unreasonable, this will not work. You are in a tight spot in that case. Your spouse can tell their parent to at least cook today since you two need to go to the doctor, or you get the idea!

- Move to an area where there are other Nepalese folks around so the in-laws don't sit at home all day and get bored to death. Oh wait! You have a job? You are not that snowflake that can't commute extra 5 miles or make minor move. Suck it up; everyone else has a job, and lot of them are managing the same daal-vaat situation as yours. Heck, who am I to say this? You might have already done this!

- Medical care: There are lot of things you can do. If your in-laws get citizenship, some states do provide some sort of medical help etc. Some hospitals have waiver plans. Inbox me and I can elaborate. Trust me, others have done this before us!

- Capitalize the situation: If you plan to have kids, now is the time to hit the sack so in-laws will help you when the time comes. They can't just be there for daal-vaat only, that is, if they are in a reasonable state of health. If you do not know, it is expensive and extremely inconvenient to send kids to daycare (timely drop offs, pick ups, be there for other fcukery involved in such scenarios). In-laws can fill that role right away as you trot to work each morning without other concerns that come with daycare. It saves you a great deal of money too.

Weigh this..

One day you will be in their shoes and will get old and need help, and when you look back at what happened now, you will be glad you could help, or sad and realize it was a mistake to not explore ways to help the in-laws in their twilight years. Can't blame the in-laws as that is the life they've learned - to rely on their kids during old age. That's the generation they are. Finding a balance without being grump, petty, and resentful is not only good, but essential.

Or..

The emptiness and gloom that envelopes you for turning down help will make your lives sad. Well that is, if you are introspective and look back and realize you did not help when it mattered. Conversely, you will have a lot of happiness in what you just did, when you help. There's much more meaning in the life you live by helping them, (and others too) instead of the emptiness that will surround you with the mentality of 'just the 2 of us will be happy'.

And for others, why the hate for Mr. Logan? You all sound like the Hateful 8. Didn't like his writing style? Well, that's a reflection of Nepali roots for you. Looks like some people can't live their lives without throwing a jab at him in Sajha for nothing. Natra daal vaat napachne vo ki kya ho! Just chill the fcuk down, people.

And when you think your life's bad? Cheer up by looking at this!
mom with child


Last edited: 28-Dec-22 01:10 PM
Last edited: 28-Dec-22 01:23 PM

 
Posted on 12-28-22 6:56 PM     [Snapshot: 1507]     Reply [Subscribe]
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BHAYE MAARIDINU.re nabujhe kai bhayera ta judai chou ni ki kaso?
 



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